I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
