I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
We need to rekindle our bromance
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
