Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
As shirtless as possible
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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