Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
