If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
