she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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