Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
