Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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