my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
