so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize