Cold hands, warm shart.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
