you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
