I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
