i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
