Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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