I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
