Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
