OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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