I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
