my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
P.S. I can't hear my feet
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize