mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
