If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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