Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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