Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
