this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
