Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
im six kinds of drunk right now
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
