Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
