Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize