I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
