If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
