I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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