Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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