i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
