i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Ladies don't puke and tell
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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