Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize