There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
my poor anus
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
