Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
