I cannot find my penis.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Even my vagina gasped.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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