The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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