I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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