saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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