i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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