My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I need to calm my uterus...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
