You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
