What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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