I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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