my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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