I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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