its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
