I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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