dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
They took my balls.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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