I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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