Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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