All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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