The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
