Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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