Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
