2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
