I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
