Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
