I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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