i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
